News

Well, I did really well in my exams. Woohoo.

I have to submit my research proposal and my brain doesn't work. How do you research again? And how do you keep track of references?

I'm going to think about babies again, they're easier, even if I'm not allowed any more.

And... that's it.

supergrump

I hate t'interweb. I think I've finished it again.
Bored.
Not actually bored, procrastinating, exams in a couple of weeks. Eeek.

Go to email: yay. I can buy some stuff. Hurrah.
Go to blogs: some interesting, most of them UNWRITTEN as soon as I've been told about them. Why is this? Why tell me? Is it a trick?
Go to same sites as always: nothing new, if it is new it's nothing to do with me and makes me feel BORING.

So, for the record and my own personal note: I'm not speaking to anyone until June.

Assumptions

Assumption 1 - a book about using alternatives to the car* suggests that we spend 100 hours a year earning enough money to afford the garage on our house.

Assumption 2 - Gina Ford's advice for potty training suggests we use two pottys, one for the downstairs toilet and one for the upstairs bathroom.

I now feel deprived. We have just the one bathroom, we have no upstairs and we definitely don't have a garage.

What is it with excessive bathrooms anyway? Why do you need more toilets than you have people in the house? Do people that have many-bathroomed houses have peeing parties?

And as for the garage - does anyone keep their car in their garage anyway? It's a depository for unused keep fit equipment, possibly a dartboard, often a freezer, sometimes a tumble drier. Very rarely do you find a car in a garage. Why would you buy one for the car?

So, with two things I don't get the necessity of, I am clearly lacking.

*In the book about not using cars, I got all the way to halfway down page one before my first rant. I like driving.

Feeling festive

I do like Christmas. For all the sad things that always seem to happen at this time of year, it's nice to just have one day to be entirely indulgent and enjoy the nice things in life. As such, I'm very excited that it's just a week to go.

The wee guys don't quite get it all, they now recognise images of Santa, but when they met the man himself, they were entirely underwhelmed and looked at him as if to say "and YOU are??" Not aided by the fact that Oliver greeted the wind up Santa in a nearby shop with an enthusiatic "Santa! Santa!" fully within earshot of the human version. Ah well. Advent calendars are a source of chocolate, any attempt to explain the purpose of them gets rewarded with an impatient "chocolate" and frantic pointing.

Decorations are a little sparce due to little people's penchant for removing anything within reach, but this is this year's favourite:

I would love to see this scaled up, but luckily the French have more taste.

So peace to all and may you all feel the warmth of Christmas.

Christmas

What Christmas Is As We Grow Older

By Charles Dickens

Time was, with most of us, when Christmas Day, encircling all our limited world like a magic ring, left nothing out for us to miss or seek; bound together all our home enjoyments, affections, and hopes; grouped everything and every one around the Christmas fire; and made the little picture shining in our bright young eyes complete.

And is our life here, at the best, so constituted that, pausing as we advance at such a noticeable milestone in the track as this great birthday, we look back on the things that never were, as naturally and full as gravely as on the things that have been and are gone, or have been and still are? If it be so, and so it seems to be, must we come to the conclusion that life is little better than a dream, and little worth the loves and strivings that we crowd into it?

No! Far be such miscalled philosophy from us, dear reader, on Christmas Day! Nearer and closer in our hearts be the Christmas spirit, which is the spirit of active usefulness, perseverance, cheerful discharge of duty, kindness, and forbearance! It is in the last virtues especially that we are, or should be, strengthened by the unaccomplished visions of our youth; for, who shall say that they are not our teachers, to deal gently even with the impalpable nothings of the earth!

Welcome, old aspirations, glittering creatures of an ardent fancy, to your shelter underneath the holly! We know you, and have not outlived you yet. Welcome, old projects and old loves, however fleeting, to your nooks among the steadier lights that burn around us. Welcome, all that was ever real to our hearts; and for the earnestness that made you real, thanks to heaven!

Welcome everything! Welcome alike what has been, and what never was, and what we hope may be, in your shelter underneath the holly, to your places round the Christmas fire, where what is, sits openhearted!

Of all days in the year, we will turn our faces toward that City upon Christmas Day, and from its silent hosts bring those we loved among us. In the Blessed Name wherein we are gathered together at this time, and in the Presence that is here among us according to the promise, we will receive, and not dismiss, the people who were dear to us!

The winter sun goes down over town and village; on the sea it makes a rosy path, as if the Sacred Tread were fresh upon the water. A few more moments, and it sinks, and night comes on, and lights begin to sparkle in the prospect. In town and village, there are doors and windows closed against the weather; there are flaming logs heaped high; there are joyful faces; there is healthy music of voices. Be all ungentleness and harm excluded from the temples of the household gods, but be those memories admitted with tender encouragement! They are of Time and all the comforting and peaceful reassurances; and of the broad beneficence and goodness that too many men have tried to tear to narrow shreds.

a week

This week I have done the following:

been to Paris for lunch, which was a lot of fun
had a very painful wisdom tooth extracted, which was in itself very painful
finished, yes, finished, my first essay!! I'm so happy! I forgot this feeling :-)

and that's about it really, I'm shattered...

damned ticking clocks

Hmm.

The baby thing was what is known as a chemical pregnancy. One of those things I wouldn't have ever known about if I hadn't happened to feel sick and do a test on the offchance. So I feel a bit silly, a little sad and incredibly broody. I am now obsessed with babies and want another one really rather badly. Sigh. It's hard being a woman and having these maternal things.

And the biggie I missed last week was what I thought it was with my friend, so she's actually having a baby in April and I am a tactless oaf. My fingers are crossed for her because there seems to be a lot of failing pregnancies at the moment, but she seems well and suitably sick which is a good sign although it feels like hell at the time.

Meantime I am completely failing to exert any control over the terrible twosome and am trying to study and get the flat ready for selling to get the house we worked out we can actually afford after all. Good things come out of bizarre unexpectednesses.

False alarm

Well, blood tests confirm that I'm not pregnant. So now there remains the question of what caused positive results and symptoms.

I am Not Thinking About it.

(and feeling a little foolish)

Confused

Today it's negative results (no, I don't know why I retested), I don't know what's happening and am putting all thoughts out of my head till I hear back from the doc.

Freak out!

#3

Ho hum, life's a funny old thing. Instead of doing the Masters in engineering that I matriculated for YESTERDAY, I appear to be growing one of these children things. Quite remarkable really, I must be the most fertile person on the planet...

I guess it's time to admit to myself that I am not destined to have a career. Sigh. I am a babymaker.

Anyway, due to being annoyed that I didn't keep a note of the pregnancy last time, I intend to write a blog for this one, hence the early announcement. It will be most boring I should think, but hey, I need to write somewhere.

And can I just say... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

Bonkers

I just read my last two posts. I have lost my mind.

Yesterday I wanted to achieve behind the computer solitude. Today I want to get out there and interact with real people.

I think I need therapy.

bla bla bla bla bla bla. And bla.

The future is a place where I think and do important things and I am not stuck in the stupid house having virtual whatevers* with people that rub me up the wrong way and couldn't care less if I ceased to exist.

That's not fair. My house isn't stupid.

I am now going to make one of those mood boards where I stick on things that inspire me. Except I'm in a grumpy mood, I'm going to do one of things I want to throw things at, and then throw things at it.

Highly therapeutic I should think. Also highly unlikely as I can't actually be arsed, but hey, it's a different idea.



*some of my whatevers do make me smile. It's not all bad.

a new level of antisociability

Each time I meet someone I feel compelled to apologise for being crap. That's not meant to sound totally self depreciative, I actually do things that I have to apologise for.

Examples from this week alone:

1) met people for the first time and was unintentionally but still comprehensively rude.
2) had coffee today with a friend who was clearly trying to tell me something, wittered utter rubbish then about two hours later it dawned on me that I'd missed a biggie.

So from this moment I am going to conduct all my "meetings" from behind the safety of a computer where I have the added bonus of having time to think about things. Well, sometimes it takes 37 attempts to realise everything, but most of the time it works ok.

This means I no longer need to wash or get dressed and thus will ensure noone mistakenly meets me.

A night out for the girls...

Off for dinner in Glasgow, arrive in Glasgow to be informed that I am staying over, not going home early as planned naively by me. The arm twisting was not excessive, I may add.

Slightly unconventional way to meet someone for the very first time: do come and drink wine in our hotel room and please don't mind if our toilet attacks you.

Yes. Attacked by a toilet. A torrent of water from a burst pipe, which was threatening to drown us all until we turned it off in absence of any action whatsoever from the hotel staff.

Room was pretty much unusable due to the several inches of water and now non functioning toilet, but unfortunately the hotel was full. Negotiations extracted a promise to be moved to another hotel "just across the river" at the end of the night. So off we went for a night out, procuring a free pizza completely unconnectedly in the process and returning as agreed to get a taxi to the new hotel.

Somewhat intoxicatedly negotiating a taxi and hotel with an Ian Fleming (that's not your real name?) we ended up in a taxi going a very, very long way away and depositing us at a rather posh castle hotel. Nice, but where the hell are we? Huge rooms, huge beds, fantastic televisions that didn't work. Our original hotel was being shared by Narcotics Anonymous, this one had a wedding party, and the bonus was that I was officially added to the party despite being a new addition. The strange man in charge provided us with coffee, wedding cake and about 1000 biscuits while trying desperately to put £1 onto a credit card "just because he had to put something through". A suggestion that he should be playing his flute damned near had me ending myself.

And from there on, it was perfectly normal...

To yay or to nay

Yays:

• Olives stuffed with jalapenos
• Galaxy Dark
• Gorgeous boys
  
• The internet

Nays:

• Windows Vista
• People who post endless youtube videos. We know how it works
• People who don't have small children, or any feasible reason other than sheer laziness, that take parent and child spaces. Child, incidentally, doesn't mean teenager or adult offspring
• The planners that decide that regular parking spaces don't need to be big enough to open all the doors of a car in anyway
• Hospitals
• Asda deodorant that makes me sneeze
• The whole recruitment process
• Being internetless for 24 hours
• Taking things too seriously
  

Scunnered...

Third unsuccessful job interview today, it really is soul destroying.

Worrying about the sick/stoical, and the stupid/hypochondriac.

Sick and fed up of people being the way most people are.
Sick and fed up of paranoia that those I am not sick and fed up of must clearly be lying/deluded/finally seeing the light.

Tired. So very tired. Need sleep. Need motivation. Need miracle.

gadgets

So I'm sitting here drooling over the iphone. Yes I need one. For the ten phonecalls a year I make and the 10 miles travel I do these days. Yes, I need one. It's just... necessary.

But wait...

No camera? What???????????????

One day, there will actually be a device that does everything and does it well. I think the Nokia N95 is just about there. We'll see.

Freak out

Arrrrggghhh. Today the children spent the whole afternoon flitting from one impending disaster to another. I did discover that both the dishwasher and washing machine can cope with being reprogrammed and turned off, they both valiantly continue on their intended cycles. I did however have an embarrassing phonecall from Fife Police to ask why there had been a 999 call from my house. They did figure it was children, so were very nice and just checking it out. Yikes.

So far, no job, I am an oaf. Nothing from the Council job I thought had gone well, eventually got an email to confirm that I had been unsuccessful on this occasion (a stupid trite phrase). Sky tormented me for a couple of hours before telling me I wasn't up to standard to answer their phones so feeling really shit hot now. Next week I have interview number three, again with the Council, this time as a receptionist. Hours aren't great, would need childcare for about 6 hours a fortnight, and I have no idea where I will find the energy to work after a day with the terrible twosome. And as to the Masters I am beginning any day - a ha ha ha ha ha ha. Methinks that is potentially a mistake.

I need longer days or a nanny.

Job job job

Despite my impatient ramblings, I ended up with two job interviews. The first of these was today, that of Leisure Attendant at a local primary school. Hours are great, pay is good, job is interesting, but lonesome, no colleagues to chat with - although my friend has a position as head in another school so may be sorted for online scrabble via the intranet.

The second interview is next Thursday and is with Sky's call centre, which would be a good laugh if mindnumbing. And I'd get free Sky Plus, which is almost worth it in itself. Well, ok, no it's not, but here's to positive thinking. Trouble with this is the 3-4 hour interview process. That doesn't sound like a good laugh.

But... today I did an interview and I DID NOT MAKE AN IDIOT OF MYSELF! Really, it went as well as it could have and if I haven't got it, I wasn't the right person for the job. Managed not to talk myself out of each question and at the "do you have any questions?" bit, all these intelligent things started coming out of my mouth. I was impressed, I didn't know they were in there, but I trust that the interviewers didn't notice that this intellect was all new to me.

I must be the only person on the planet who gets a confidence boost from an interview. Here's hoping I get the job as well.

Please cross all your fingers and toes for me.

Regression

I'm sitting here at the desk I got when I was 18, which I rescued from being a plant stand today. I'm next to the bed, back to the mirrored wardrobes, next to the bookcases overflowing with books, and I'm wondering why I've moved on many, many years in time and my bedroom looks exactly the same. It's not the same house and I'm certainly not using a Mac Classic II, but I've got a rush of nostalgia and memories.

I may add the decor and particularly the wall adornments (more art, less BMW) are quite different now, but I don't seem to have changed otherwise all that much. The main thing missing is the stereo and shelves of CDs (updated and part of the infrastructure of the living room), but the laptop, mobile and Palm are all additions I'd have killed for back then. The reason for my being in here is due to two little guys moving into the spare room and slowly spreading throughout the rest of the house, not because this is it, my entire living space.

It's strange. I've got it in the same corner of the room it lived in at home. The windows and wardrobes are in the same relative places. Spooky, somehow, the ghosts of my own past are looking over my shoulder. I hope they aren't too disappointed, I must point them down the hall to the ex-spare room...