News headlines

Shocking result: Fifers in Glenrothes vote Labour in by-election.
This is the first time that anyone in Fife has voted Labour since the last time they voted.
Local voter Chavlene McTavish commented "Aye, ah've ayeways voted Labour, ma dad voted Labour an' ma man votes Labour. Wha' wiz this wan fir anyway?"

Proof that mocking the weather does not pay
Revealing the intention of the Cayman Islands weather to retire soon has resulted in a backlash from neighbouring weathers.

Children do not need bringing up
Recent evidence suggests that it is sufficient just to watch and they'll bring themselves up. Test twins are today potty training themselves. They were asked to comment and noted that the block was blue.

Official site of influential new organisation
The DDD are to establish themselves with online headquarters sometime. The location of this will be exclusively revealed on this blog shortly after that time, anticipated to be in the future, near or far, one or the other.

Bacon style quorn is nicer than bacon
Extensive testing at the Breakfast Institute resulted in this amazing discovery in the late hours of this morning. Other members of the Insitute are mutinizing at what they consider blasphemy.

Typing sloppiness now undetectable
The iPhone continues to be the greatest thing since sliced cauliflower: it allows you type wild typos and miss out all apostrophes, and it autocorrects unless you (easily) tell it not to. After years of frustration, finally something that realises if someone types "tonorrow" they probably meant "tomorrow", and if they type "didnt" they obviously want the apostrophe in. The pedant often referred to as the Grammar Nazi (not affiliated in any way with any other Nazis) is immensely pleased by this.

Demolishing disrespect

The newly formed DDD (Damsels Distressed by Disrespection) undertake to correct the wrongs of the world by punishing those who disrespect that what is considered to be important, known hereafter as disrespection.

The initial mission to be accomplished is as follows:

Restoration of the correct treatment of the weather. This is in response to a statement issued earlier today by the British Weather:

"It is a very rare day indeed when I am not present and in recent times I have been trying to be more interesting in order to garner respect back from the British public. Not content with moaning about me regardless of what I do, no longer are weather forecasts sombre affairs with my intended behaviour being mapped out in all seriousness. I do not have the capability to provide constant heat and sunshine, nor can I snow on command just because it's Christmas.

If I am not to be treated with the respect I am surely entitled to, I will be forced to relocate to the Cayman Islands, resulting in no weather in Britain whatsoever and a British climate in the Cayman Islands, where the weather there is due to retire sooner than expected as a result of having additional hurricanes sent from overzealous weathers elsewhere."

DDD have the go ahead to introduce the following initial measures to ensure disrespection is stamped out:

1) Jolly and maverick weather forecasters will be struck by artificial lightning on set and their charred corpses lifted aside to make room for one of our many Fishbots to read the weather in a suitably serious manner.

2) Complaints about the weather are no longer tolerated unless there is adequate grounds for complaint. Adequate grounds are only when plans are irrevocably damaged by unpredictable changes in the weather, or if hospitalisation results directly because of the weather.

3) Umbrellas will be outlawed, people must learn that getting wet is not a disaster and umbrellas should all be handed in to the nearest police station or DDD office by the deadline of tomorrow.

4) Puddle jumping will be compulsory and will be an event at the 2012 Olympics.

Failure to comply will result in the following penalties:

• Umbrella usage carries a maximum fine of £23,852.43.
  
• Failure to jump in available puddles will result in an on the spot fine of one arm and one leg.
• Unfounded complaints about the weather will now be considered treason and offenders will always be hanged.

DDD hope to shortly form an allegiance with DDDDD (Dashing Dudes Discombobulated by Distressed Damsels) and to count on their full support.

Once the Weather Disrespection Revolution is successfully underway, the second mission will be to counter disrespection by mobile phone users.