Me, Myself or I

Watching the Apprentice annoys me every single week.

Apart from the obvious.

When Lord Sugar asks "who was the project manager on this task?" the person in question always answers "that was myself".

I think to myself, "don't they mean me?" and so I looked it up.

Yes. It should be me. Not me on the Apprentice, perish the thought, but the word "me" instead of "myself".

Basically, "me" is always correct in the me/myself choice except in one condition. That condition is when the person speaking is both subject and object of the sentence.

I saw myself in the mirror.
I chose it myself.
I doubt myself.

"Me" or "I" is simple to know. If in doubt, take out the other people/things involved and think how it would sound:

Bananas and me are often seen in Tesco.
or
Bananas and I are often seen in Tesco.

Me is often seen in Tesco.
or
I am often seen in Tesco.

Obviously, it's "I".

Tesco is fed up of bananas and me.
or
Tesco is fed up of bananas and I.

Tesco is fed up of me.
or
Tesco is fed up of I.

"Me" this time.
Easy.

If you are the subject of a sentence, the correct way to address yourself is "I". If you are the object, then it is "me". If you are both, then use "I" and "myself".

I upset myself by looking at other common grammar errors.

Affect/effect. Duh. One is a verb and one is a noun.

Allusion/illusion. They're different words!

There's lots of them. Ugh. Think people, think.

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Can't stop ranting

Why don't I have a mountain of medicine spoons? Since 2006 when Calpol was first suitable for my boys, I have never consciously thrown out the spoon that comes with medicine. Given how much Calpol we go through, not to mention Calprofen, Benylin (me), Benadryl, antibiotics etc, I figure I should have approximately 100, if not more. I have about 10. Where are the rest of them? I blame the sock gremlins again.

Grammar rant alert: why can't people, whose job it is to talk or write, not learn simple grammar rules? I spend half my time saying "did" to my son when he says that such and such done something. He hears people say "done" and so he repeats it.

So it irks me something rotten when I'm watching television and hear Jane McDonald say "talking don't get tougher than this" to Gregg Wallace, in humorous reference to his infamous "cooking DOESN'T get tougher than this" line on Masterchef. Care, people, care. It's not hard.

And lose doesn't have two o's in it.

I'm not sure about that apostrophe. I care about them too UNLIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T BOTHER. That's not the usual correct use, but without it, the word would be os. Hmm.
See, I think about it. And it's not my job.

Another thing that I wonder about is words that change meaning.

Ignorance: means lack of knowledge; used to mean rudeness. I assume this refers to lack of knowledge of how to behave. But it is constantly used to simply describe inappropriate behaviour. Unless used as an adjective and accompanied by the word "fool", in which case it gloriously refers to lack of knowledge.

Irony: this has been well covered. Ed Byrne notably has a very amusing stand up routine detailing how each scenario in Allanis Morrisette's song "Ironic" isn't ironic.

The Guardian wrote about it many many (9) years ago.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2003/jun/28/weekend7.weekend2

Yeah. I can't remember the HTML for links. I might fix that later.

Finally, as I've moved from a harmless spoon ponder to an all out attack on the illiteratti, I do wonder about those who give their children wacky names. With a made up name, they are ensuring their child forever gets preconceived ideas about them and called by the wrong name.

Others take regular names and spell them wackily. Not cute. Stupid. My friend knows a Jorja and an Ollyver. Those kids will gain nothing other than the fact that their name will constantly be spelt incorrectly.

My three children have standard issue, traditional names. Two of them are very popular names, one isn't particularly popular any more. I know that many think I'm boring, that they're awful and unimaginative names. I was mocked by someone for my choice for my daughter; her suggestions were off the wall.

My argument is that it isn't an extension of your creativity, it is the name of a person who will grow up and introduce themselves to important people, fill out forms and generally be hassled by having a stupid name. That's not to say unusual names aren't sometimes really nice, I just wish people would stick to names that work as names.

I think I'm done now.

Sense of humour failure

Today I received "9 Things I Hate About Everyone" by email. I'm in a pedantic mood, so I'm going to answer on behalf of Everyone:

• People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

I have only ever witnessed this between people who don't speak the same language. It helps to use visual clues. Last time this happened to me was in France and I helpfully showed him my watch. Which is ok, except I supposedly speak French. Anyway.

• People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T..V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

Except the remote does things that you can't do without it. Which is quite probably the reason you want it. And it might be in the bin/dog/fridge, you need to check.

• When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

It's a saying. If you eat it, you don't have it any more. Not complicated.

• When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

This is a particular bugbear. Obviously you don't keep looking, but I take it to mean that it's in the last place you'd think of, ie you look everywhere else first, thus making the place it is, the last place. Maybe it only works if you physically make a list, then you could say "it was in the penultimate place I looked". I might start saying that just to make a point.

• When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

That's a way of saying "I want to comment on that" not a literal question.

• People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

Well, that's an innocuous question that can be answered yes or no. The question still to be posed is likely to be awkward.

• When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

You can't get a new version?

• When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

It's a saying again. Means you have to bear in mind it's finite.

• When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

All very well, but occasionally bus stops have more than one bus that stops there. The person may have just missed the bus themselves. Valid question.

• 
  

So... Having got that out of the way, I feel compelled to compile.

8 things I hate about everyone, because I can only think of 8, and 9 is an arbitrary number anyway:

• People who talk/eat/laugh at the wrong bits/clap at any bit when watching a film/act/gig.
• People who have the beeps turned on and who text incessantly on the train. The beeps do nothing, there's a massive hint that you've pressed a button when a character appears on screen.
• People who complain about a programme they haven't watched because they thought it sounded offensive.
• When people go on about the "last place you look" thing
• People who think that using English properly is anal and uptight. There/their/they're: not difficult. Its/it's: not difficult. Have/of: nothing like each other.
• People that sit next to you on the train when there's plenty of empty seats.
• The way virtually everyone pronounces "controversy". It's con-trov-ersy. Not contro-versy. Someone that writes about words and I normally worship (which applies to just about everyone that cares about words and says so) has the same bugbear the other way round. I can't remember who it is, I think it might be John Humphreys.
• People who criticise you for doing something differently to the way they imagine they'd do it, despite having never attempting it in their life.