Childishly brilliant

How to feel clever: compare yourself to children and/or idiots.

The most spectacular job interview I have ever done followed an hour or so of watching the videos of unsuccessful Big Brother candidates.

And therein lies the appeal of such programmes, the viewer is assured that no matter how rubbish they may have suspected themselves to be, they would obviously be better on camera, do better in tasks, relate better to people etc. Except the viewer is WAY too sensible to be on camera.

But then you get programmes that the participants have to display a level of skill. Which can be daunting. Mastermind, how stupid not to know the 18th century history of tablemaking! And Masterchef, baulking at the sight of fish heads probably wouldn't look too great. By the time the latter rounds arrive the level of skill is quite sobering. Top Gear are still not doing "completely unknown person in a very expensive car". The cads. So in imaginary world, the one where you take part in tv shows, do better than anyone previous, but fail to be broadcast, there's little chance to shine.

Roll on the Juniors. I can tolerate about one episode of Junior Mastermind (on account of the precociousness) but that one episode is generally self affirming. The specialised topics may be Tracy Beaker or something else chosen entirely to make very young adults like myself feel elderly, but mostly one can do rather well overall.

Junior Masterchef I could definitely do. I can identify tuna! And wrapping chicken in bacon seems to be the dish du jour - the scallops and black pudding for young uns. I could do that!!

I am 3 times the age of some of the participants. That aside, I could definitely do well if I was allowed to take part. Sadly, the attachment of "Junior" seems to allow for serious ageism. Scandalous!!

Having said all that, there are some programmes that it doesn't matter. At all.

So you think you can dance? No, not really. Thanks for asking.

I guess it's time to write that novel...

Entertaining children

There's a lot of kids cropping up on my limited TV watching at the moment. First there's Over The Rainbow, where many of the potential Dorothys (and two of the semifinalists) are teens. Not quite children, but young. They're all terribly nice though.

And then there's Junior Apprentice. Precocious brats before they achieved triple firsts at the age of 22. Marginally younger and less arrogant than in the grown up version, but still vile and vastly overly confident. In the first episode Alan Sugar was jolly nice to them and should be commended for not firing Jordan with the send off "you are a revoltingly annoying brat".

Junior Masterchef has actual children, 11 and 12 year olds. Also precocious, but flatteringly presented to be less so.
What 12 year old states that they are fantastic at anything though? John Torode and Nadia Sawalha treat them all really nicely, none of the criticism the adults get. Very nice TV, although it should be as it's broadcast on CBBC. John Torode is very sweet on it and it's always a joy to watch him cook rather than just taste.

One does wonder what sort of parent produces that sort of child with unwavering self belief. Is that good? Will they go far or fall flat on their face when they first face failure? And the sheer brattishness of some of them is offputting before they do a thing. The height of audaciousness is the snotty brats that appear on Junior Mastermind. Boy do those kids love themselves! Which makes you wonder (shudderingly) what their parents are like.

I did used to marvel that any parent could push their children into modelling or acting at a very young age. However a reason for it came to me this week: childcare. If your precious is in a studio being filmed regularly, then that takes up a lot of time. Definite bonus.

So I am currently shaping up my own children. Twin one is going to go on Junior Masterchef and make an orange. And Twin two is mastering slapstick. Untold riches and free childcare await!