Freakishly normal

So it seems that September is the month for two mighty endeavours to be undertaken by us ordinary people. Should we manage to achieve these wonderful feats, we can raise money for our chosen charities.

Firstly we have to try and remain sober for the whole of September. No alcohol at all, and so the sponsor money should roll in.

Secondly, we should try and walk 10,000 steps. I assume this is per day and not during September as I'm pretty sure that most people would manage the latter without leaving the house ever. I also assume it's every day and not just the once.

My mind is boggling. Not drinking for a month is something that needs encouragement? Really? It's that hard?
And how many people don't walk 10,000 steps?

Naturally, as someone that barely drinks and who now has an epic school run (a 40 minute round trip and I'm not not not taking the car), I can be smug. No, I will be smug, I'm not entirely sure anyone will appreciate the smugness so some internal smuggery is required. Can I give myself consent to be smug? Well, I shall. Just between you and me, dear imaginary reader. I so should have been sponsored not to smoke. Too late now.

I'd suggest giving up coffee for a month, but I'm not sure anyone in the vicinity would survive that. I may just donate to charity.

De-stress (as opposed to distress)

For most of my adult (and latter teen) life, I was a smoker. In times of duress, whether sad or stressed, or even just bored, I would smoke a cigarette. It was my crutch.

For obvious reasons, I stopped smoking eventually. It has now been more than a year since I had a cigarette. I don't need to quit or manage cravings, I've done all that. But I haven't found anything to replace the cigarettes. Something to go and do when I'm in a stressy mood.

Vaping has crossed my mind, except I think it looks ridiculous and in my experience having a fake cigarette kind of makes you pang for a real one. If I had seriously considered it, the flavours would make me drop that idea. Strawberry jam? Apple crumble? Cereal flavour???? What??

If I did want to go down that route I think I'd want them to taste, well, like cigarettes.

Chewing gum isn't an option because I despise it. It's just gross, in so many ways.

I've tried asking. I asked Google and the suggestions there were non helpful. Useful tips on now to quit, but I've done that.  The suggestions on things to do instead are utterly unhelpful.

Exercise. Nope. This might work for some people but I'm not an exercise-for-the-endorphins kind of girl. I'm more of an is-it-over-yet kind of exerciser. Unless it's swimming, but that's not hugely practical in light of my non-ownership of a pool.

Read a book. I do that anyway, unless it's a remarkable book it doesn't make me less stressed. My current penchant for psychological thrillers mostly makes me paranoid.

Spend time with your family. Whoever thought of this must be lacking in family if they ever think that's a way to relax. I'm very sorry that they are so lonesome, but I see no reason for them to take it out on innocent people. That's where most of the stress comes from to be honest.

Have a herbal tea. Because you must actually hate yourself. There's a time and a place for herbal teas and this isn't it. Nobody has ever found deep and lasting peace over a cup of matcha. If you must, a coffee, but these things never suggest a coffee. Coffee is a pretty good substitute, except for its sleep altering properties. But no. Coffee is one of the enemies. Love coffee...

Have a snack. If being stressed isn't enough, add being overweight to your worries. Having food as your emotional crutch is generally not that healthy for the old mind either.

There's many similar suggestions, ranging from gardening to crossword puzzles. Dullness, in other words.

There's an argument that one needs to learn to do without a crutch and the perpetuation of need etc, but that argument needs to be a lot less sanctimonious and realise that there were reasons for smoking in the first place.

The only suggestion I've got from other people is to have a drink. And they don't mean coffee. I don't really drink at all, so starting to drink when stressed just seems like a slippery slope to debauchery if you ask me.

I need inspiration. There must be a way to deal with stress that neither threatens my health nor my sanity.

No, it was much worse for me

Competitive parenting combined with competitive sob stories is something else.

There's a thing doing the rounds, and it may not be new but I have never claimed that my rounds are the up to date ones. This thing is in defence of the caesarean section and arguing why it isn't the easy way out. Because an emergency section is scary and horrible, unlike an elective section.

Aieeeee.

What's that little throwaway? An elective caesarean is a breeze now is it? Is that not a very similar attitude to the natural-or-die birth mothers' despised attitude towards caesarean births?

In comes the "I've had a baby, so I'm the world authority" disdain. With no knowledge whatsoever of ansituation, so every mum gets judged on what they have achieved on the mighty good mother checklist:

1) having an equal distribution of male/female children
2) having an all natural birth, preferably without any medical intervention whatsoever and certainly no drugs
3) breastfeeding until high school
4) working full time and homeschooling at the same time

Actually, no. The individual judgement list generally runs along to "what I did". So where one mother does something, that's the way it should be done. By everyone. And if you don't manage it, well you're not trying hard enough.

My baby sleeps. Yours doesn't? Goodness. Have you tried doing anything at all? I expect you haven't tried anything so I'll offer you advice that I gleaned from a book. Oh you tried that already because you've read everything on the subject in desperation? Maybe you didn't try it properly.

Now, there's no need to get snappy.

Who cares?

Humph. So Jeremy Corbyn sat on a train floor and the world has gone mad about it.

Does it matter?

Oh, probably it does. Apparently having someone liberal minded who says things that sound human is just Not On and it is terribly important to discredit him at any point.

And that's just in the Labour party...

I think I probably need some pills or something but I'm finding I don't like people. I like some people, but Mr and Mrs General Public and family are not very nice at all.

Generally being a nice person isn't the done thing. No. It's apparently ok again to make wild judgements about people based on random stereotypes.

We don't use the N word. No, that's offensive and we occasionally actually care about the elderly and infirm. It is the 21st Century and we are very PC.

However it is FINE to be rude and bigoted about Poles, Muslims, Syrians, people on benefits and basically anyone that isn't rude and bigoted themselves. One must either toe the rude and bigoted line, or you're a tree hugging leftie. Ha ha ha. Poor little leftie. They think being NICE  is a good idea. Tee hee.

Anyway. I think the most important thing about the whole Corbyn #traingate nonsense is to ask the most important question: why was he on a passenger train at all? Was there no Jag available?

Pointless existence

No, this isn't a nihilistic depressive piece.

Every year at this time I am perplexed as to why daddy long legs exist. They are probably the most stupid creature on earth. They are not grateful, nor ferocious, nor do they appear to have any function. They lumber across the room laboriously and fly into the same wall over and over and over and over and over.

This latter point is why I both hate them, because it's really annoying, and spend a substantial amount of each autumn pondering why. I've probably blogged right here about it before. It's something I think about a lot.

Right now there is one hanging ominously above me. The one that was doing the wall jig has settled. Obviously they are both waiting for me to turn the light out so they can go for the most glowing thing in the room, which is going to be either my white nightie or my clock radio.

Oh. The mad one has disappeared again. That's bad. I don't like that. Ominously hanging above my head one is still hanging ominously.

Oh wait no. It's got some wall flying into to do in absence of its pal. Maybe it thought I was sitting ominously under it and was worried I'd spring up while it slept.

I don't see the point of them. I assume they are a valuable source of food for something important. Or maybe they are the most successful species on earth and they mock us for our ridiculous notions of normality.

Whatever. I eagerly await that time when one realises that even the spiders have gone for the winter. Hateful, idiotic mini beasts be gone.

Yeah yeah, it's been a while

Crikey, I was still on the young side of very old last time I wrote this. Still, it's easier than starting over. Does anyone still use/read Blogger any more? I don't think I do. Do I?

My imaginary reader is reading bloglovin? Really?

So, here, why?

Well, the postman/fellow dog walker/person in the shop/random passer by doesn't necessarily want to know my every thought or to be ranted at.

Facebook has issues, namely it has people on it and pretty much everything I would say would offend someone.

"Good morning"

1) Good? What's good about it? I am so offended that you think this awful day could be good.
2) I am offended because I am in a different time zone and it isn't morning here and so you are being exclusive
3) I am offended because you wrote a rather meaningless status update instead of responding to my attention seeking elsewhere

Twitter has the limitation of being only in possession of 140 characters which is virtually impossible for me.

So, this stuff in my head has to go somewhere. Here is as good as anywhere.

And who knows, next time I might have something to say.

Independent defending.

On September the 18th 2014, I shall be marching to the polling station and proudly marking my X next to Yes. I do think Scotland should be an independent country.

I started off from a "probably" position. I'm not an SNP member though and I don't consider myself an SNP voter. I expect to vote Green in the next elections. They also support Yes, quietly and reasonably.

I'm not alone, Noam Chomsky and George Monbiot think it is a good idea. So do all of these people. It isn't just the SNP, and it isn't just nutters.

I, being biased and not an expert, find the Better Together campaign to be misleading. They are less about facts than about misleading. Specifically, they have smeared the SNP and their claims and made them out to be out and out liars, by a process of misinformation. They may be lying, but when faced with untruths, it is hard to pick out actual truths and the sneering at "nationalists" is becoming perpetual.

There was a "leaked document" found by Better Together that revealed secret mention of debts that Scotland would begin their independent status with and that defence spending would be less. They spoke of the paper detailing the volatility of oil and claimed tha SNP had never admitted that oil prices could drop.  SNP had openly talked and discussed all of the supposed secrets. Better Together would defintely have been aware of the talks and debates that these were discussed at, but they chose to present it as being hidden from voters. That is downright wicked and deliberately misleading. Furthermore, they claimed that the paper contained plans to cut public service jobs and old age pensions, which is an outright lie as there is no mention of either in the paper at all. There are further mentions of things that are not actually in the paper and if you see the claims next to the actual paper it is sobering and disturbing. One mention of budgets says "Scotland will decide" and it is reported as saying "London can veto", which it does not say. A deliberate and malicious attempt to smear politicians doesn't help anyone.

I can't see the claims of NHS funding to be unfounded. A No vote leaves us in the Union forever. A union that is a lot in the shadow of America. The risk to our NHS at any point in the future is a real and serious one. But I know many disagree and think it is wicked of the SNP to use the NHS as a scare story. I find the news stories about protests in England scary enough on their own but, as previously stated, I am biased.

Better Together suggested that the people of Scotland would not be able to use health services south of the border. They suggested that we wouldn't be able to access organ donations from outwith Scotland. They specifically said that children would not be able to use Great Ormond Street. All untrue. 

Great Ormond Street utterly refuted the claims that Scots would not be able to use their services. They demanded an advert from No Borders that suggested we'd lose out be removed, as they had not been consulted. They reassured Scots that they treat patients from all around Europe and that Scotland would be no different. 

The people of Northern Ireland and Ireland visit doctors on opposite sides of their border, no problem. The NHSBT (NHS blood and transport) has a contractual arrangement with the Scottish Government to ensure the best matches for recipients across the UK are found. Obviously we wouldn't want to lose this. Ireland's Health Service Executive works with NHSBT to provide a full organ doner service across Ireland. 

The latest leaflet that came through the door claimed that the weekly shop would increase, because Tesco.ie charged more. Actually, they don't. Many products are actually cheaper in Tesco.ie than Tesco.com. And when asked, Tesco denied that the price rises were true.

Since writing this, Cameron has had a word in the ear of businesses and asked them to come out and state that costs would rise, taking prices up with them, in an independent Scotland. Many shops have, Asda and John Lewis being the most acknowledged. While this may be true, the fact that Cameron did this is such trickery and deviousness that it hardens my resolve for Yes. Why would we want to be governed by those who trick and manipulate us? As observed by someone yesterday, Project Fear has become Project Terror.

They said data roaming charges would increase, just as they were abolished. They said that we would not benefit from the UK's AAA credit rating, after that rating had been downgraded. And then they resorted to insulting us, especially women. What with being not genetically programmed to be political and being women that don't engage with politics, it is amazing we are allowed to vote at all.

And pensions. They keep on about staying in the Union to protect your pension. The elderly believe this, they don't want to lose their pension. Their pension is payable even if they go to live in a different country. So it is not at risk from independence. I don't feel my pension is all that safe in the UK and it is entirely possible I won't live to the age I'll have to retire at (I think my age of retirement is to be 68 or 70 at the moment). I can't get my head round using pensions as a reason for voting No.

A lot of uncertainty surrounds currency and the EU. David Cameron, and only David Cameron, could ask about our position in the EU and clarify this once and for all. He hasn't. I can only assume he fears that if the answer was yes, we could easily join, that this would affect the vote. if the answer was no, we would have to go through a lengthy process like any new member country, that would give strength to the No vote, but can he take that risk? No. So instead he banks on the uncertainty of not knowing and the fear of the unknown leading to voting No. Also, the currency union. For all to see, a currency union is the best option, If we don't have one, the pound will crash massively, and that is hardly in rUK's interest. But if they laid out plans to have a currency union, that would remove the uncertainty and fear, making a Yes vote less risky. It is a dirty trick, to keep uncertainty where there need not be. Why can't we go into this referendum with a clearer picture of what will happen when there are things that can be answered? We can't know what exactly will happen with our finances, how much oil there will be, many other things. But we could know exactly where we stand on currency and the EU. BT still mention that we don't have any plan for currency, I'm not sure if that is a joke or not. And I want to throw things at the TV/radio/computer/post every time they say about staying in the EU and the benefits of the EU, because they want to have a referendum to leave it.

I know that No voters think it is terrible, that we have been duped by the SNP. But I feel that if we lose the vote, for a great number of voters it will be because they have been misled. 

I for one am voting from a sense of "why not, let's see what we can do" and trusting the people that say there is no reason why we can't. I've been there since before the campaigning kicked off.

And I can't help but agree with Alan Bissett about the bleak prospect of a post No Scotland.

Alan Bissett - What the future will look like if the result is no

Incidentally, I know the other side of this. I'm not unaware of the arguments against. I'm just showing why I am less than enamoured with the No campaign and why I worry it has clouded judgement. It may not be easy but I just don't think we should be British. I can't change that view.

A new start

I'm starting afresh. Come find me at  http://ostensiblyowl.blogspot.co.uk/

RIP Pete Barnes

Tragically this morning, a helicopter in London crashed into a crane and subsequently burst into flames, killing the pilot of the helicopter and another person.

I don't know the exact circumstances, but I did know that Pete Barnes, the pilot, was an exceptional man. As a teenager, I was lucky enough to be taken for a spin in a helicopter by this gorgeous man, and I also had the pleasure of giving him a lift in my car on another occasion. Charming, witty, handsome and polite, even to a gawking teen.

Tributes pouring in acknowledge his flying skills, his bravery, his heroics and, most of all, what a thoroughly nice man he was.

It is indeed a tragedy that he was taken so young (50), doing what he did so brilliantly, and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to have met him so many years ago. May he rest in peace.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm jumping on the bandwagon

Yeah, I'm late. Checking into Twitter, I find some amount of venom aimed at Ms Julie Burchill.
So I Google her name.
So, we don't like transsexuals today. Or we do, and we don't like them being slagged off.
Sigh. Here *we* go again. Feminists versus the world.
I didn't like Ms Burchill's piece because it is vile. But I also resented being involuntarily lumped in as an uneducated, working class drone that wants nothing more than feminist supremacy.
No, thanks, I'm quite posh and clever and I'd quite like to just get on being me and letting everyone else get on with their lives. Unless they make a lot of noise, steal from me or vote Tory, what they do/are is no concern of mine.
Oh, I'm not linking to the article, it's horrid. Go Google and you too can experience the surreal experience of the Telegraph castigating the Observer for being bigoted.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feeling meh

Ok, it's not a new day, dawn or life, and it's not quite new year any more either. But I haven't blogged in a while, no, really, and so I feel compelled to say:

A very merry Christmas to all the bots out there! And I do hope all the legions of real people anxiously awaiting my latest bloggage had a most splendid Christmas. And indeed, anyone else. Them too. A really happy one.

Christmas for me was a bit spoiled by the illness of everyone, but the children had a brilliant time and were more or less well on the big day. Poor grumpypants had tonsillitis and couldn't eat or particularly stay out of bed. Most everyone was frugal this year, myself included, which puzzles me slightly as to why it took 4 years of recession before this kicked in. Grumpypants was most generous; I received a Chromebook, which is quite brilliant and shall be blogged about in due course. This was on top of the Kindle Touch I received as an early Christmas present in October. 

Yes I know, patience would have yielded a Paperwhite, but no Chromebook. So I win really, I have a shiny new Touch that does the job just grand, and a Chromebook. Way. How many times can I mention the Chromebook? Many.

So that was Christmas. Me being spoilt mostly. I'm not holding out for much for my birthday on Friday. I may pretend the Kindle was a birthday present.

Happy new year also. May 2013 be bountiful. I type 2014 first almost every time I type the year. I'm obviously not anticipating a good year and want this one out of the year.

According to my 2012 new year spraff, which can be revisisted here, I undertook the following for 2012:

* Finish my dissertation and finally get the MSc I've been doing since 2007.
* Lose the baby belly. 
* Move to a house that's big enough for 5 of us. 

No, no and no, although I did submit the dissertation today so that just missed. Although it was a big bit rubbish so may need redone. 

The other two, well, no go. 

The baby belly is marginally smaller, having toyed with various fixes, the most successful of which was a low carb diet, which was surprisingly easy, effective, solved all my niggly ailments, and which gave me agonising pains that may well be gallstones. So we're back on the carbs, with the accompanying belly, stecky joints and perpetual hunger. I may one day master the art of moderation.

We're still in the same old 2 bed flat. We have lived here for ten years this year, seven of which with two children and a bit over a year with a third. She's still in our room, is ever accumulating belongings and it is a Bit of a Problem.

So for this year, things are quite simple resolution wise:

1) lose the belly that's hung around too long to be called a baby belly
2) move house
3) learn the art of moderation

Anything else just seems a bit ambitious. I can't think of anything else I achieved last year. Ooh, other than successfully icing the Christmas cake with royal icing. The year before I had a daughter who I had long hoped for but neither planned nor expected. This year I plan to enjoy her as much as I can before she grows up at a rate of astonishing swiftness. Her brothers turned seven last week. Seven??!! I'm not sure how that happened. Yes, I know. Passage of time, constantly, and all that, it's a turn of phrase. Gad. My imaginary reader is so pedantic!

2011 - had a daughter
2012 - iced a cake

Doesn't quite compare. Although the latter required skill, the former just happened all by itself and all I had to do was not smoke, drink or eat swordfish.

So. I do intend to blog more but I always intend to blog more, except that time back then when I used to blog more.

We'll see what 2013 brings, and perhaps find out why I'm so keen to deny it.

It's the end of the world as we know it

Ooh. Today is the day the world ends, except it doesn't.

According to Mayan calendars, December 21 2012 marks the end of the 13th baktun, which means that they've been through 13 cycles of 394 years and today marks the end of the current one.

The existing Mayans who live in Belize point out to the scaremongers that it is simply the end of a time, not the end of time. For them, a new cycle is due to begin.

Which is a lot like us with New Year, every year. You know, resolutions, traditions, something called redding that I have Never Heard Of, despite being from the town of Hogmanay (Edinburgh you know). And even more like us at the end of 1999 when, oh yes, the world was going to end because of the Millenium Bug, or Y2K.

Oh right. Redding means cleaning the house thoroughly on Hogmanay. All ready for the new year, and I guess it means "readying". I know that's a belief that you must be careful what you do on New Year's Day so you get out of the way all the unpleasant tasks you don't want to have to do.  Apparently it also entailed repaying all debts before the bells at midnight. Aye, right.

I do like reading about how we live in Scotland. Fascinating.

Anyway, back to the doom and gloom of the end of the calendar. The Mayan calendar that we don't usually pay a whit of attention to, remember?

Assuming an apocalypse was to happen, which it won't, there are various proposed mechanisms by which we meet our demise.

First up is an alignment of the planets that causes us to disappear into our pet black hole.

Naturally, there's the potential for a collision with a previously unnoticed, sorry, unacknowledged planet. Or a meteor couldn't strike us.

There's others, along the same lines. Random negative energy, pole reversal and other astronomical disasters that might just have been predicted by now. Doommongery at its finest. We do love a good apocalyptic panic.

I believe that the solstice is due to happen at 11.12 this morning, and that this is the time of the "apocalypse".

I bet I forget. I always do, then a few hours later I'm pleasantly reminded that it hadn't happened. Again.

Wiggo!

How gratifying to see Bradley Wiggins win BBC Sports Personality of the Year. A truly deserved win.

First he won the Tour de France, the first British rider to do so, and then right on the tail of that, off he went to the Olympics to win gold.

Brilliant sportsmanship, and what a thoroughly nice man he is. Not arrogant in the slightest, humble and just an all round good bloke, as well as being truly talented.

Pleased I am.

December 14th

RIP innocent children in Newtown, Connecticut.

There are no words for this tragedy other than sending thoughts to those who have lost their precious angels so close to Christmas. May they be at peace.

Cuddle your own babies close to you.

The glorious 12th

No, not that one. The date today, being 12/12/12, marks the last properly matching date in our lifetime.  Which is sad, if you're sad like me and have a mild obsession with dates and numbers.

We've been spoilt, with all the lovely dates starting on 01/01/01, running through 02/02/02, 03/03/03, passing my mother's brilliant birthday on 07/07/07, and onwards up till today.

Not to mention the other great dates such as my brother's wedding date of 10/11/12, a pattern which reaches its final, for our generation anyway, incarnation on 11/12/13, a year from yesterday.

My own much anticipated special birthday date was 11.1.11, which has passed, but such palindromic dates are what we have to make do with. My sons have the next one on 3.1.13, although if you want to be pedantic it is better on 31.1.13. My daughter has to wait for her special birthday date until 2.9.29, and that's not even palindromic.

Maybe she'll be excited on her birthday in 2092, but then all will be looking onward to the 22nd century and the imminent 01/01/01 etc.

For the love of the flaming box

Have I mentioned before how great Firebox are? I should have, so we'll assume I have.

So, reasons why they are great:

I love most of their products. I want to gift everyone I know with nifty gifts, and I mentally categorise people by how much they would appreciate an unnecessary but cool gizmo. If they'd like a voodoo knife block, then I like them.

http://www.firebox.com/product/1109/Voodoo-Knife-Block

Yeah. Links. It's 2am and embedding is way too before-midnight-y to work.

Anyway. Other reasons why Firebox is the best website in the world:

They give you free sweeties. Or they did last time I bought anything. Everyone should give a wee bag of haribo with purchases. It's nice. It's always excitin get something extra in a parcel.

I have a memory of writing this before. Ah well. It was long enough ago that I don't really remember so what chance do my bot readers have of remembering?

Not YOU, obvs. You're special.

And now, further greatness is revealed after I made an order and received an email confirmation that made me smile with genuine smiliness. I do like a touch of silliness, it's like a sweetie for the inbox. And silly the email was, while imparting the relevant information. Huzzah.

What other reasons do you need?

So. Love Firebox.

I also quite love the Daily Mash, which is genius, and the peak of my love was upon reading their privacy and cookies thing. Which should be visible somewhere, wherever Blogger put it, and must be admired not least for the "whatever" button.

In a world that I mostly find unfunny, humour in the mundane is very much appreciated. Thank you internet peeps.

Royal miracle

It is indeed a miracle. The Duchess of Cambridge is in fact the first woman ever to conceive a baby. Ever.
Who knew there was so much gossip and humour to be eked from one small pregnancy?
I don't have much to say on it. Anyone who conceives just the one baby first time round isn't trying very hard. Get back to me if she gets upgraded to multiples. Although it will be pleasant to have the "too thin to conceive" silenced.

2013 is here.

Ok, not quite, but in a revisit of an old post I am delighted to bring you the predictions for the coming year.

Yes. December has just begun. We're not at New Year yet. But let's pretend there's a logical reason for magazines being a month ahead.

What untold joys does 2013 hold for us then?

Not a lot.

We will be settled, which is jolly nice if you are,  but a bit of an ask if you're not. Pressure is on a bit for the unsettled. The triangle of work, home and relationships should be in order and...

Wait a minute, what? All three? Cripes. That's a bit much. So that's our goal: achieve the impossible.

We are very self confident now. No we're not, actually. I do believe in myself though, there's a lot of evidence for me and not so for Santa, God, fairies etc, so that's a definite start. Getting there.

The technology stuff sort of tells me that we're going to be much the same as we are this year. Woo. And more of us are unemployed but this is good because it gives us more time to improve our minds.

I do find nothing broadens my mind more than sitting around the house conversing with a toddler and watching CBeebies. None of that pesky adult conversation stuff fuddling my expanding brain, nuh uh. And how nice not to waste my brainpower on work when I can be at home making life changing decisions such as "which shoes to wear". Maybe if I didn't have the toddler and was at home anyway I'd expand my mind with daytime tv? Yes, that must be what they mean.

Oh. Read books. Because the book that springs to mind as having been read by all women this year is positively mind enhancing.

No, wait, we're going to be doing puzzles and brain training. Yes, you did read that correctly. In 2013 Brain Training is going to become popular. I only hope they can put it on handheld devices, that would be fabulous. They could get someone like Nicole Kidman to do the advert. How modern.

Family stuff, we're going to have paternity leave, more single mothers and not have babies. All at the same time. And babies are really expensive so we'll take on more and take our parents on as well. Yay.

It's going to be a busy year.

We shall yearn for back to basics, which is a nice way of saying we pretend we like simple things and not nice shiny new things. And we'll be into bargains! Yay, maybe we'll discover eBay!

Yes, we're still skint and still making like it's a good thing because we will save money like non-rich people do anyway. We're going to plan our meals and make a shopping list? Radical plans.

Who are these people?

(Woman and Home incidentally. I think they've been away for a few years).

Meh. 2009 was going to be so much more exciting. We were going to go for walks and everything. Now we have to dig out Brain Training and move Granny in to our garden (I jest not).

Once every 824 years

I've encountered this thing mentioned that December is special as it has 5 Saturdays, 5 Sundays and 5 Mondays, which only happens every 824 years. 5 weekends!

Because nobody celebrates extra Mondays. Although they perpetually  follow Sundays so I don't really follow any excitement at all. Every seven days it is Monday again. That's something that only happens once every week.

But, December? Surely every month with 31 days that starts on a Saturday has this phenomenon? And that for it to happen in December presumes that the 1st is a Saturday occasionally. Approximately every 5 or 6 years I'd guess.

And yes. It last happened in 2007 and will happen again in 2018. How exciting it isn't.

My neural networks are twitching and it seems this has been put about before, with the amazing 5 weekends in August 2010.

I'm not sure why it is put about. A joke? A chain mail thing? General thickness? Supposedly it's good feng shui to share it, so no doubt I've unleashed the same level of misfortune upon my life that my refusal to relocate my front door or toilet causes.

Goodbye iPhone, hello Android

After much deliberation and a woefully disappointing new product from Apple in the form of the iPhone 5, I have made the move.

I was awaiting the arrival of Windows Phone 8, and was fully intending purchasing a Nokia. Until they priced it out of my prepared-to-pay range by a long way.

Then the Nexus 4 was announced with Jellybean the 2nd, or Jellybean as it is to be known. AKA Android 4.2. A groovy phone indeed, but with flaws. One giant flaw in fact: a glass back. Having dropped an glass backed iPhone 4 every day I've owned it, I will never own a glass backed phone again.

And so I find myself with a Sony Xperia T. It's rather nice, and is held for perhaps as many as three seconds by James Bond in Skyfall. But movie stardom aside, I likes, and it's costing me £20 a month. Half an iphone. Despite being sold on Jellybean the return, I'm not getting Jellybean until March (or so Sony say). But I do have the ludicrously named Ice Cream Sandwich, or 4.04, which tbh makes any version of iOS look positively quaint.

I don't miss very much about the iPhone. 'Touch to scroll to top' is about it. I have replicated all my apps, with the exception of Tesco Finder and Mood Pad, and the TV catch up ones. The latter I rarely used anyway, and are replaceable on proper screens.

I've got all my games :-)

How does the phone compare to the iPhone 5? Bigger, faster, better camera. And yes, it's got panorama. Yawn, although obvs as a previous iPhone user this is new to me.

I can dictate everything. Although as my diction is appalling this isn't all that successful.

This is me demonstrating speech element my phone.

Ok, that wasn't bad. It missed out "the" and "of" but otherwise, not bad. It fails to get my name, repeatedly. I may in fact change my name to Mark as it is determined that is what I am saying.

So. Better than Siri? I don't know because Apple liked to pretend it couldn't run on the iPhone 4.

The walkman music player is excellent. And if I get fed up, I can change it. I can add any song as a ringtone, which is exciting after 4 years as an iMuppet.

What else? I have obviously had to re-add my music, which was easy and my iTunes purchases were seamlessly copied. I had to somewhat time consumingly redo my playlists and decide which songs I wanted on my new phone. Having last decided this 4 years ago, this was exciting. Although I do seem to have done it with a nostalgic slant. Which may reflect more on my music buying habits of then (lots) and now (next to none).

Battery life is superb, but to be fair, it was cack on the iPhone 4 after iOS 6 broke it, no sorry, after 2 years use.

Do I miss my iPhone? No.

I regret not making the move two years ago instead of taking the iPhone 4 when the 3G became unusable. And I feel something akin to pity when I see an iPhone user. They haven't seen the light.