The banks that like to say "duh"

Due to a number of extremely irate secure messages being sent to the wondrous websites that operate my finances, I have two most grovelling messages today:

(a little paraphrasing *may* be involved)

Message no. 1:

We at Cretincreditcards.com are complete imbeciles and realise that we have cost you money because we are incompetent morons that can't actually keep track of what our automated system is doing. We do realise that this system cocked up big time and our morons couldn't help you. Unfortunately for us you do in fact have a series of messages that confirm this, therefore, if you send us a copy of your bank statement, we shall refund all bank charges caused by us.

Subsequent (automated) message :

PS We've already refunded our own charges because we thought we'd look better if we wiped them off your account almost as if we'd never charged them. You didn't mention this and it's nothing whatsoever to do with your complaint but hopefully this'll confuse you and you won't send your statements as previously stated.


Message no. 2

We at Numptycocks Building Society are utterly incompetent and have disabled monkeys working in our customer care centres. Some muppet managed to change your address and even though you told us about this 6 weeks ago, we weren't able to work out why. Now it transpires that it was in fact another member that "misquoted a number" and mysteriously pulled up your previous address. Yes, that's right, the one with the dodgy subsequent tenants and bad credit rating. What a coincidence is it not? Anyway, we're very sorry and it's all fixed now, and look, your account is all shiny again and we've written to Experian for you, just in case. I guess you probably want to complain, so here's the link to do so. Please don't ask any more questions, we're a little embarrassed, but if you really have to, here's the phone number of someone that can string an entire sentence together and knows a little about banking.