Sunday 4 January 2009

A moment to be morbid

I have a fear, it is of death. I'm always convinced that people are going to die horribly, and I have a perpetual fear of my own death. It doesn't stop me doing things, oh no, I'll cheerfully risk my health and my safety without giving a moment's notice to survival, but it does make me have nightmares and causes an amount of entirely unnecessary fretting.

There's a number of things I do that I "have" to do right there and then in case I or the other person(s) involved should die and then I'd never have the chance. Which is completely illogical. I get the heeby jeebies about any mention of death; this post is probably going to give me a coronary. I joked about being murdered (laugh a minute, me) the other day and have been having kittens ever since about the increased likelihood of my being murdered as a direct result of having mentioned it. I just got a shiver down my spine right there thinking about it. I'm back to checking the back seat before I get in my car in case my assailant is hiding there. Not logical, not positive, not sensible, not very me.

I have a complete fear of Death the person/creature/being (that there pic is scary scary when it's big). I'm not that scared by horror films but I did however get competely freaked out by both Last Action Hero and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, neither of which are notoriously scary, but which both contain Death. I literally had nightmares about the Dementors in Harry Potter because they're a lot like the image of Death. I quite want to read Mort by Terry Pratchett to see if maybe getting to know the character might help... but I'm too scared.

Any time I get ill, I think "this is it". Headache: brain tumour. Stomach ache: bowel cancer. Indigestion: heart attack. I don't take myself off to the doctor or even mention it to anyone else so I'm not a total hypochondriac, but I do fret about it at 3am. Likewise, I fret about other people who have anything whatsoever wrong with them, maybe that perpetual sore throat is throat cancer, John Diamond didn't live very long at all and he had an excellent prognosis initially.

Having a general anaesthetic is my number one fear, I've had one twice, once as a child and once as a very nervous adult that was desperately praying to something-that-isn't-god that I would wake up afterwards. Anyone else having a GA probably thinks I'm insane because I do all the "I love you"s prior to the op and insist on being notified instantly upon their awakening. Which quite probably freaks them out themselves and isn't the reassurance someone needs at that time.

Why so morbid? Well, I blame the dead people. Inconsiderate swines.

2 comments:

Stipey Sullivan said...

I would recommend you add the Seventh Seal to your films to watch list. Death is a cuddly chess playing character in that Ingmar Bergman comedy about the plague.

One of the greatest films ever made. And Death agrees that if the fella can beat him at chess he can live. What a plot line. Bruce Willis would not like them odds.

MD said...

Sounds a bit scary.