why why why?

Sigh. Lust. Sigh. Lust.

Marcus Brigstocke was on the radio and so I nearly crashed the car due to gazing longingly at the radio. While it is marginally more normal to be in love (for "love" read "superficial lust") with someone human rather than with an inanimate object, I do have to question my judgement. Marcus Brigstocke is to other men what BMWs are to other cars and what Top Gear is to other television programmes. That, of course, refers to specific words that people use when talking about them.

And I missed it. Evil forces put Argumental on at the same time as Spooks and I don't pay enough attention to things that aren't BBC or heavily endorsed by Andrew Collins - who would at least be worthy to lust after, but of course I don't lust after him, he's too nice.

I need to straighten my hair. When my hair is straight I will think like other girls and be normal.

Dear Gateway

I would like to extend thanks to Gateway for manufacturing a laptop that has a life of approximately 14 months and for their wonderful helpline that is closed at the weekend and once open unwilling to assist in any way with the repair of their products, going as far as to say "that's the rules" and hanging up. The motherboard has died, nothing can be done and the laptop is effectively for the bin, once I've retrieved the stuff off the hard drive. Yes, cheap, but it is unacceptable to sell a product that a) comes with insufficient memory to run the operating system that is installed on the stupid thing, b) that completely dies just out of warranty (trading standards would expect the lifetime of a computer to exceed 14 months) and c) having technical support that is not open over the weekend despite saying so on the label on the stupid product and that are sufficiently rude to say "too bad" and hang up. I HATE being hung up on. I know that it's the motherboard, how does the guy on the end of the phone know that I'm not an idiot making wild guesses and that I have everything connected correctly? Should he not have asked some questions? Should he not have apologised? Should he not have said goodbye?

Just to be a little churlish I would like to say that Gateway laptops are extremely rubbish, that I am very unhappy with Gateway laptops, that I will never again buy a Gateway laptop or indeed any other computer product by Gateway that may or may not include laptops, and that anyone thinking about buying a Gateway laptop should think very carefully and probably find that a different laptop that isn't a Gateway laptop would be a better choice than getting a laptop from Gateway.



Oh, and for the record, there's little operator error can do to break a motherboard. Especially when the operator's me. Huh, huh, strop, huff, etc.

Further irritation today: even godlike people can annoy. I may be a child (although I'm sure 33 makes me a grown up) but that doesn't mean I'm oblivious to things that happened before I was old enough. Struggle. Huh. I'm only going to communicate with people under 25 today.

Someday I may unleash the stuff that's in my head about Led Zeppelin tributes (called The Levee Breakers incidentally), the need to move 255 miles south, and scuzzy hotels, but for now pensiveness beats cursiveness and I shall daydream my day away.

Thank you

Well, I don't really know what to say, other than to thank those of you that were kind enough to vote in the most important poll of the year (official Best of 2008(c) statistic). It looked as if a left turn was inevitable but at the last minute a dramatic swing saw the closing result being that I am in fact normal. I didn't expect this at all and as such haven't prepared fully. A tear has formed in the corner of my eye at the sheer votingness of it all.

I can't begin to thank everyone for their involvement in it all but I feel I have to extend thanks to myself for compiling the poll, to me for existing in the first place and especially to the inimitable me for having the sense to buy such a marvellous phone in the first place.

You are all cordially invited to the virtual post poll party. As a virtual party, it can be wherever you like with whoever you like, at any time you like, and you can pretty much do what you want there as long as you have a cracking good time. My own version will have a vague superhero theme so all the men have to dress as Batman and/or wear a tux; we shall drink copious amounts of appelwein and champagne, then make complete tits out of ourselves while dancing voraciously to 80s hits.

For the record: reality has a cold and has the day off.

Stoopid just stoopid

Stupid PVR: DID NOT RECORD Buzzcocks. The cheek of it! And as if to taunt me I get an email TALKING ABOUT IT, well, mentioning it. Go away RichardHerring.com. Except... come back!

Stupid gmail: is being retarded and making me look stupid. How can my sender address be wrong? Why does it send half finished emails?

Stupid computer: is threatening to die, it doesn't like being woken up and sometimes just doesn't. It had a windows update earlier, oh thanks for that, it's broken it.

Stupid cold: has made husband like bear with sore head all week, has given me snot projecting tearful children to look after and judging by the sore throat and running nose that started 8 seconds ago, has arrived with me nicely in time for the weekend. I am actually doing something this weekend, stupid horrid virus that it is. I need to do work, I need a functioning head. I don't have time or energy reserves to be ill.

Stupid modem: keeps needing a technical tap. Guess we got a new IP address then.

Stupid day: Thursday the 13th, not even Friday. It is my uneducated opinion that Thursday the 13th is in fact the unlucky day, this is not the first time it's happened. I can't quite remember what the happenings were before, but there was at least one happening and that's probably quite enough to form a superstition round.

Stupid people: it's all someone's fault. You'll do. Apologise immediately.

Procrastinating

So the chiddlers are stuffed with the cold and sorrowfully sniffing at the television, all Tixylixed and ready to nap. Hurrah thinks I, time to do some of my work.

Think. Think. Empty cavern of head. 9 hours till my brain wakes up.

So I thought I'd do some questions - I like answering questions due to being entirely self obsessed. The slightly interesting meme I have already done, if deleted, so I'm left with bog standard ones. Here goes:

Stolen from here:
1. What's for breakfast?
Toast usually.
2. Do you read a newspaper daily?
I get the Scotsman email. I sometimes read it.
3. What do you do when you can't sleep?
Annoy people, rant, fret, type, fret some more, annoy people further by fretting at them.
4. Say a word that sums up your mood.
Tired.
5. Do you remember your dreams?
I remember the ones that freak me out.
6. Name something from your dream last night.
I don't remember no dream last night.
7. Name a food that describes you.
Umm. I have no idea. I don't feel very foodlike. I think I would like to be a jalapeno pepper.
8. Today you are wearing:
Clothes. And a pair of unmatched socks.
9. What's in your pockets?
My precious. Nothing else in case it hurts my precious.
10. Did you sing in the shower today?
I don't sing in the shower. I sing when I'm cooking.
11. What's the last song you heard?
Imagine by John Lennon. That's good if you haven't heard it for ages and forget just how many times you've heard it.
12. Looking forward to the holidays?
Always.
13. Where do you want to be this instant?
Right now I would like to be seated on a train (a Virgin Pendolino, specifically, in seat A37 with noone next to me), watching the raindrops running down the window as the countryside whizzes past and listening to toons. I don't really mind where I'm headed on this train, I might just get there and come home again.
14. What's for lunch?
It was a Brie and cranberry baguette.
15. What's something you would like to do soon?
Sleep.
16. Reading anything now? What is it?
I am reading everything now, I can't even remember what the last one was. Ask Andrew Collins what he's reading.
17. What's for dinner?
An attempt to recreate a thing with lentils. I've never cooked lentils before other than in soup.
18. A favourite part of the day is:
First thing in the morning: despite my reluctance to be awake, being woken by two gorgeous little boys always makes me smile.
19. Are you happy?
I love what I have but I wish I knew what I wanted.
20. Will your friends do this meme?
No. I can't think of an effective bribe to make them.

The penny drops

I just realised where the vegetarianism came from. Why is this happening to me? I'm not normally influenced by other people. I don't change things because of other people. I used to like meat.

I am a sad, sad groupie git.

I need my own mind back. Give it to me now.

More words

Try this, it's hard and it shouldn't be. I got 43 and the ones I missed are so damned obvious. Obviously.

I like words, I like finding the right one, discovering new ones, and I like words that just fit, or that sound good. I like breaking words down into components and trying to work out why that word means what it does. Reading something where the author doesn't just use the same old boring words and uses unusual words, or mixes up words cleverly, always impresses me. I mix my prefixes and suffixes wildly, which probably makes me look like an illiterate fool, but I do protest that I know the right words, I just sometimes prefer the wrong one.

"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way" Mark Twain

Favourite words:

Scamp/scamper. A scamp is exactly that, a scamp. There isn't any better way to describe it, it suggests you are naughty but in a very nice and slightly indulgent way. And to scamper exactly describes what is being done; if you are scampering, you are not running or crawling or skipping or sliding or anything else, you are scampering.

Kursk. If you are Scottish and you say this, it sounds exactly Russian. English newsreaders that say "Kehsk" should be hung, drawn and quartered.

Catholic. Just because the Catholic church couldn't be less catholic if it tried. Perfect irony.

Pfeffernusse. All German and pfeffernussey.

Champignon. This just sounds nice, but using it as my name has dwindled its appeal a little.

Actually, most of the French language is pretty, "Pour bonne sante, ne fumer pas" is infinitely nicer than "Smoking kills". We should call potatoes "apples of the earth" as well, it's sort of poetic.

Oh apples of the earth, I enboil you.


Procrastination: this is me (not) writing about Transport Policy. Tomorrow I shall mostly be writing about Transport Policy.

Nuff

Aaargh
Dammit
Aaargh
Dammit
Aaaaaaaaaaargh

synaptic snaps

Richard Herring is on Buzzcocks tomorrow. Richard Herring. Buzzcocks. Marvellous.

People are cruel. It is a source of constant amazement how far people are prepared to go in order to get a laugh or shift blame from themselves. Emotional blackmail is contemptible, it's manipulative and also carries the underlying sentiment that the recipient doesn't care, while trying to force them to. Parody needs to stop short of actual nastiness. People would do well just to appreciate each other once in a while.

Go be nice to someone just for the sake of it. And remember Buzzcocks tomorrow.

Iron Man

This evening I watched Iron Man.

I am assured that it wasn't very good, but the person saying this was upset by the similarities to Robocop.

I loved it. For mostly extremely shallow reasons (swoosh, swoosh) and the whole superhero thing, and he was pretty much Batman. Superheroes are always marvellous (excuse any unintentional pun there) but Iron Man, like Batman, is just a man. No mutations, just a clever mind and a good suit.

That's Lego Ironman, by the way. Lego rules, when other people make massive models out of it. I like it a lot less when I stand on it.

Robert Downey Jr was good as Ironman. I tend to like him in things and I'm sure it's not just because he is very aesthetic, or because he was Larry in Ally McBeal. I liked his banter with his computer and robots and he did swoosh very swooshily*.

Gwyneth wasn't great nor terrible, she is usually in girlie things that I like but have to watch on my own. I don't think I've seen a film that she's been in that I didn't really like, even though I wouldn't say she's ever astounding herself. Nicole Kidman is the opposite, I have hated every film she's been in (I nearly did die for To Die For, from sheer boredom) apart from The Others, which was good. Eyes Wide Shut. Plink plink plink plink plink plink shut up. Ugh.

(I haven't seen a lot of films, all three mentioned have done plenty I've slept through or generally missed)



*for purposes of explanation, swooshiness refers to a combination of mean moodiness, manliness and either flight, cloak wearing or general stealth. Lack of flying or cloak can be made up for by being extra mean and moody. Swooshy men are always fit.
Best examples: Batman, Darth Vader, Wolverine

Kittens, cupcakes and Grazia; I am just a girl.

I do like to be beside the seaside

West Wemyss, Fife

An expedition to the park ended up being a walk along the beach a little up the coast due to the fact that a good song on the radio meant driving right past the park.

Approaching sunset meant a turn down to the prettiest place to view the sun.

Unfortunately, the iPhone's woeful camera didn't capture the moment.



Easily amused.

Driving home, another diversion to another harbour to photograph the sunset was spoiled when the sunset was revealed to be less than spectacular with the removal of sunglasses.

From Dysart Harbour


There are two ways to live your life - one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.

Albert Einstein

Better than the rest

Due to popular demand, the need for a somewhat premature, and decidedly inexpert, "best of 2008" has arrived.

A number of things may be ancient, but I just found them so therefore they qualify as new in my world. They're not in order either, ordering requires way too much pressure and editing. Chances of there being 10 are slim also so random numbers of top stuff.

TV stuff:

1) The Wire
It's great, really well done and addictive. 5 series, all finished. All available from that nice "shop".

2) Top Gear.
See below.

3) Mock the Week
Always funny even if contrived and some secret badness for guests that everyone hints about and noone ever actually reveals.

4) Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
I'm getting boring now.

5) 24
Always watchable even if 2 years behind. Disclaimer: if the last two series have been cack, I haven't seen them.

6) Maestro
Very surprising, only watched because recommended by guru, and really very good.

7) Spooks
Going decidedly off, but still watchable.

8) Britain from Above
Really interesting, but way too few episodes.

9) Ugly Betty
Shouldn't be good, but is.


Books that managed to keep my attention all the way to the end:

1) The Fourth Bear by Jasper Fforde.
The sequel to "The Big Over Easy", these are from the Nursery Crime Division which I like better of his two series. Most people prefer the Thursday Next books, of which "The Eyre Affair" is the first, but that could be because they're a bit distinctive and came first. I read "The Big Over Easy" before any Thursday Next so developed a fondness for THAT style. All the books are marvellous, the preference could also be because of small brains knowing nursery rhymes and fairy stories better than great literature.

2) The Mermaids Singing by Val McDermid
This is great, as previously detailed, as are the subsequent Tony Hill/Carol Jordan books. Gory, but gripping.

3) Corned Beef Sandwich by Mark Sullivan
Without meaning to be sycophantic, this is really, really good, if indescribable. Read it. Even if you wrote it.

4) Remember Me by Sophie Kinsella
Mindless, feel good chick lit stuff that completely used the novel I used to think I had inside of me, and did it ever so much better than I ever would have.

5) Public Transport by Peter White
Erm, this one's probably just me.


Uh. That's it for books. I've started a lot of cack and read a lot of brainless things I wouldn't recommend.


Best new foods discovered since going off everything:

1) Get Real Organic Ambletown Roast - best microwaved which makes me love it a little bit more

2) Cauliflower Korma (made by me)

3) Quorn Mousakka (made by me)

4) Cauldron Falafel (not a new discovery but required re-celebrating)

5) Quorn bacon style pieces - previously dismissed as plasticine, now discovered to be tasty

6) Asda chilli spiced seeds with almonds.


All round generally great people:

1) Andrew Collins. Gotta keep the surprise element in

2) Mark Watson

3) Jamie Oliver

4) Alex Salmond, the best thing ever to happen to Scotland


Best things to completely waste time on:

1) Nintendo DS.
Mario. Mariokart. Brain Training. Lego Batman. Trauma Center. Other games. More Mario.

2) Nintendo Wii
Mariokart. Wii sports. Mariokart. Wii Fit. Mariokart. Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games. Mariokart. Wii Play. Mariokart.

3) Apple iPhone. Splendid way to waste time researching, buying, playing with, playing with some more, and playing a bit more. Also useful for phonecalls.

4) Blogs. Reading, writing, stalking.

5) Email, instant messaging, text messaging, social networking and various other antisocial ways to socialise.


And there you have the most repetitive blog entry I have ever written. I think there may be one or two things I've not banged on about to death, but hey, lists are good.

Top Gear

Top Gear shouldn't be good. It's all about cars; bad bad evil cars, polluting the environment, encouraging laziness etc etc, and it's presented by Jeremy Clarkson, who is also bad, evil, environment polluting and encouraging of laziness.


But it is one of the most watchable programmes on TV.

Cars are exciting, there's no denying that. No, there isn't.

Environmental issues aside, cars go fast, they have lots of gadgets, they are fun to drive and people will continue to drive them and lust after bigger, better, faster. It's not to deny that the car causes immense problems, but it does acknowledge that they are loved. And as long as there are people who want to drive their cars, so there will be people who try to make it possible without destroying the planet.

Clarkson is incredibly funny, incredibly good at presenting, with something witty to say about most things and if you see beneath the parody, he's an intelligent bloke that does care about things. And in case of sounding heightist (6'5!!), Richard Hammond is also rather wonderful (and isn't actually all that short, just short compared to Jeremy). James May is also ace, the banter between the three of them is cheering to watch, especially having seen the emotions immediately after Hammond's jet crash.

Sunday evenings can always bring a smile, if only for the dream of cruising in a seriously good car, but more often than not there's genuine belly laughs.

No illusion shattering please, the warm glow of enjoying watching something good remains and any removal with facts will result in extreme displeasure.

Website here.

The Hat Thing

I like hats. For two reasons: I hate that weirdy feeling when the top of your head gets cold, which is a new thing that I've only had the last couple of years, and because even grumpypants agrees on the increased cuteness of me + hat. Except the previously much loved one that I was put off when it was pointed out to me that I looked like Slash.

Anyway, I had a most lovely hat that I got a couple of years ago and it was done, so I done buyed a new one. It looks pretty much like this:
which isn't nearly as lovely as the old one, but needs and budgets must.

So, looks fine, keeps head warm, feel relatively cute, dressed like all the folk in the shops and magazines so not particularly bag lady like, all very good... but why are people giving me funny looks? Could it be because I am the only person in the whole of Fife wearing a hat that isn't bald and in a beanie? Did the shops lie? Have they only got them in stock to laugh at stupid people? It's not exactly outlandish, you think they'd have been more constructive and duped clueless housewives into wearing cerise tartan cullottes or something.

I'm still going to wear it though.

Why?

Awww

Why does it always rain on fireworks?
Is it because they lied when they were 17?

Why would the ratings of Buzzcocks be going down? It's fantastic even without the magnificence of St Bill. I love Simon Amstell, he's both adorable and incredibly good at inoffensively taking the complete piss out of people. He nearly made Danny Dyer cry, which is something I would pay good money to see. As is the sight of Jack Dee doing a very David Brent-esque dance thing for the intros round. I forget which episode was on when, I think I'm up to date, live TV eludes me, but sometime recently they also had the very lovely Chris Addison on. I'm guessing by the fact that it's on in the Thursday 9pm slot that it's not for the axe but I have palpitations at the thought of no more Buzzcocks.

Why does my hair look like it sparkles when my 41 year old brother and 68 year old mother aren't going grey? Why do people think it's ok to say it looks like highlights? Why would I get white highlights on almost black hair? Why do I care? Why do I spend vast amounts of time and effort (and a small amount of money as I'm too tight to get the hairdresser to do it properly - it costs me enough for a cut never mind anything posh) making it look not quite like it did when I was 17? Does that make it rain on fireworks?

Why am I awake?

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? You too can have the hits of the Carpenters on repeat in your head. I'm on the top of the world looking down on creation and I guess I've always known I'd say goodbye to love. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. God, even my subconscious has terrible taste in music, I've got Magic fm on the brain. There must be a treatment for that?

Why are all the first lines of Shakespeare the well known ones? What's wrong with the second and subsequent lines?

"If music be the food of love play on"

"In sooth, I know not why I am so sad"

Other ones, including the vastly overquoted: "Who's there", that I remembered earlier but don't now, possibly because of the time.

I hated Shakespeare at school, and I've recently discovered that he was a genius rather than a bore. I love the fact that if he didn't have a word that fitted, he made one up. His knowledge was pretty astounding for the time; even if inaccurate, to know of the existence of all the things he wrote about was damned impressive.

Why the over analysis though? People do it to lyrics too. Any time I've written a song/poem, which has only ever been done as parody but are *obviously* of equal standard, the words chosen are the ones that fit the rhythm and that have the right sound. I remember Fran from Travis saying that the line "pillars into butter" started off as "caterpillars into butterflies" but it didn't fit, so they chopped it. Yet there's been loads of speculation as to the meaning behind pillars and butter. There is none. Michael Stipe said something similar about taking random words out to make them fit. And Brandon Flowers said on the dancer thing that it was about Hunter S Thompson's comment about a nation of dancers, which he liked and used, but he didn't really think about what it meant, he just liked it. It fitted the song. That's what lyrics do. Yeah, there's usually a meaning to the song, but the stuff that doesn't make sense isn't usually deep and meaningful, it just fits.

Oh, that was going to be a moan about Saturday nights and being old and stuff, but I remembered I'm actually going out next Saturday. As I've failed to make it to Manchester in far too long, the residents of Manchester (not all of them) are obligingly coming up to go out in Glasgow which is positively marvellous.

I have 14 minutes remaining. I think I'd better stop writing.

Adieu.

Notes from a small neuron

It's a kitten. Love me.

After much delay, caused by inefficient websites, not being in America and general mistrust by me, I managed to get ereader on my phone, and free ebooks to read. Limited selection till I find a new version of drop-a-book and nab some text files from Project Guttenberg, but I do now have Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde, Little Women, Oliver Twist and most importantly The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which I haven't read in, ouch, too many years (25?) and feel I want to read now given the sheer greatness of the author. Also, my brain is much smaller than it used to be and I think children's books are probably just about perfect for gentle reading. A nice little collection of childhood memories there, I'm on a big trip down memory lane today for some reason.

Huge tangent: why a trip down memory lane?

The wonder that is Facebook is causing me to undo the years of damage that my appalling skills of keeping in touch have ravaged upon my friendships. Facebook is strange, it's not like the other social networking sites. I had a mini-cull a few weeks ago and deleted all the "unreal" people that I don't actually know (probably after some hissy fit) and I'm completely unsearchable, so it's relatively "safe". Anyway, I have as my friends on there, my family, my closest friends, my internet only friends, my more distant relatives and increasingly, the friends I had lost altogether. Pretty much everyone I know apart from the ones that don't "do" Facebook. You see who's friends with who, and spot a familiar name and then off you go. Today I was accepted by a girl who was my closest friend when we were about 13. I haven't seen her since we were about 15 and she moved to Australia, and we haven't spoken in just about as long, just because we haven't. It got me to thinking how very strange it is how you can see someone every day and know everything about them, and then end up leading entirely different lives just like that. That can be poised on a precipice of depressing thoughts about how much more interesting everyone else's lives ended up, and I'm still here stagnating in the same stupid town, but I'm not going there. Still on Facebook, I did a couple of the inane quizzes about 70s/80s things. These are infuriating as they are compiled by the sort of person that compiles a quiz on Facebook, I think anyone can, so you get questions wrong that you know are right, just because the compiler was a moron.

He-man, Marathons, Top Deck... Do I remember who this was? Uh, yeah.

My first crush. I have about twenty minutes worth of memories of being at nursery and most of those are about the day the Green Cross Code Man came in to give us a talk on safety. I think it may have even been David Prowse himself which makes me feel quite giddy thinking about it. This may have been where my heightism came from: he's 6'7. Uh oh, giddy again. If only one of my nieces was here to say "my giddy aunt", it would be ever so apt.

(I believe he was also in some film or other that was quite well known but he's the Green Cross Code Man to me. Ok?)

Back on track: on the first page of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain says "Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot".

I actually love him. In a way. For a person that's been dead for nearly 100 years and entirely based on what he wrote. But still love.

I'm taking him/my phone to bed now. My cup overfloweth.

News headlines

Shocking result: Fifers in Glenrothes vote Labour in by-election.
This is the first time that anyone in Fife has voted Labour since the last time they voted.
Local voter Chavlene McTavish commented "Aye, ah've ayeways voted Labour, ma dad voted Labour an' ma man votes Labour. Wha' wiz this wan fir anyway?"

Proof that mocking the weather does not pay
Revealing the intention of the Cayman Islands weather to retire soon has resulted in a backlash from neighbouring weathers.

Children do not need bringing up
Recent evidence suggests that it is sufficient just to watch and they'll bring themselves up. Test twins are today potty training themselves. They were asked to comment and noted that the block was blue.

Official site of influential new organisation
The DDD are to establish themselves with online headquarters sometime. The location of this will be exclusively revealed on this blog shortly after that time, anticipated to be in the future, near or far, one or the other.

Bacon style quorn is nicer than bacon
Extensive testing at the Breakfast Institute resulted in this amazing discovery in the late hours of this morning. Other members of the Insitute are mutinizing at what they consider blasphemy.

Typing sloppiness now undetectable
The iPhone continues to be the greatest thing since sliced cauliflower: it allows you type wild typos and miss out all apostrophes, and it autocorrects unless you (easily) tell it not to. After years of frustration, finally something that realises if someone types "tonorrow" they probably meant "tomorrow", and if they type "didnt" they obviously want the apostrophe in. The pedant often referred to as the Grammar Nazi (not affiliated in any way with any other Nazis) is immensely pleased by this.

Test

This picture was taken with the phone. Terrible quality, as expected, but the light is perfect. I also took the same photo with a "proper" camera and it corrected way too much and the light didn't look like that. Specifically, it lost the green glow that was the purpose of taking the picture.

Sigh.

Demolishing disrespect

The newly formed DDD (Damsels Distressed by Disrespection) undertake to correct the wrongs of the world by punishing those who disrespect that what is considered to be important, known hereafter as disrespection.

The initial mission to be accomplished is as follows:

Restoration of the correct treatment of the weather. This is in response to a statement issued earlier today by the British Weather:

"It is a very rare day indeed when I am not present and in recent times I have been trying to be more interesting in order to garner respect back from the British public. Not content with moaning about me regardless of what I do, no longer are weather forecasts sombre affairs with my intended behaviour being mapped out in all seriousness. I do not have the capability to provide constant heat and sunshine, nor can I snow on command just because it's Christmas.

If I am not to be treated with the respect I am surely entitled to, I will be forced to relocate to the Cayman Islands, resulting in no weather in Britain whatsoever and a British climate in the Cayman Islands, where the weather there is due to retire sooner than expected as a result of having additional hurricanes sent from overzealous weathers elsewhere."

DDD have the go ahead to introduce the following initial measures to ensure disrespection is stamped out:

1) Jolly and maverick weather forecasters will be struck by artificial lightning on set and their charred corpses lifted aside to make room for one of our many Fishbots to read the weather in a suitably serious manner.

2) Complaints about the weather are no longer tolerated unless there is adequate grounds for complaint. Adequate grounds are only when plans are irrevocably damaged by unpredictable changes in the weather, or if hospitalisation results directly because of the weather.

3) Umbrellas will be outlawed, people must learn that getting wet is not a disaster and umbrellas should all be handed in to the nearest police station or DDD office by the deadline of tomorrow.

4) Puddle jumping will be compulsory and will be an event at the 2012 Olympics.

Failure to comply will result in the following penalties:

• Umbrella usage carries a maximum fine of £23,852.43.
  
• Failure to jump in available puddles will result in an on the spot fine of one arm and one leg.
• Unfounded complaints about the weather will now be considered treason and offenders will always be hanged.

DDD hope to shortly form an allegiance with DDDDD (Dashing Dudes Discombobulated by Distressed Damsels) and to count on their full support.

Once the Weather Disrespection Revolution is successfully underway, the second mission will be to counter disrespection by mobile phone users.

Sensory overload!

Exciting things! Hyperbole, hyperbole!

>NB Still in a funk. A fizzy funk. Sort of like Cava.<


Exciting thing uno:

Fireworks. They're always exciting. Except, as always, the first half was seen from the car as no parking space or progression towards site of fireworks was forthcoming. But lights! Bangs! Whees! Damp squibs still working! Squibs may well not actually have been used!


Exciting thing zwei:

The phone. It's lufferly. It's great. I can work it now. It has a thing that "listens" to music and tells you what it is. This is probably the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. I squealed at it. I'm really not a squealy sort of person. It was that exciting. It works anywhere, I have tested it extensively. The phone does other stuff too, like receive phonecalls, of which I got two dodgy ones today and which I have to raise (stroppily) with Carphone Warehouse tomorrow. One was asking for various bits of information including my bank details, which I wasn't happy about, and I got hung up on when I asked them to tell me what information they had and I'd confirm it, got told that it was against Data Protection, and said that it was ok, they'd established I was me and I authorised them to give me any information I wanted.

I have little tolerance for people that phone me up. I have "Idiot", "New idiot" and Idiot 3" programmed into my landline phone, these are persistent wrong number callers and it's useful to see on Caller Display. I have not yet had the cheek to answer the phone with "you have called the wrong number" but one day I might. They're all of the "who's THAT?" type of callers, the ones that get irritated at you for not being the person they meant to call.

Hello?
Who's that?
It's me.
Who?
Me.
Where's Gemma?
I'm sorry, you've called the wrong number.
Oh.
*hangs up*

space of about 3 seconds

Hello?
Is that you Gemma?
No, you've got the wrong number again.
Argh!
*hangs up*

another 3 seconds

Hello?
Gemma?
No.
*hangs up*

I have a variety of responses for cold callers, depending on the mood I'm in. They amuse me.

But I digress, as often happens when over excited; back to the lufferly phone. It's ever so nice. It does everything I would ever want it to do. Except bluetooth: my old phone and new phone simply won't see each other. I even pointlessly put them face to face and waved them at each other and still, they can't find one another. Silly phones. I may try a formal introduction tomorrow, but no matter how I dress it up, the Samsung knows it's being cast aside for one more aesthetic/generally useful and I suspect this lies at the bottom of its reluctance to bond.

I can access the internet anywhere. I will never get anything done ever again. Woop.

Reviewing: not my strong point.


Exciting thing trois:

Whoever knew how interesting the stock market could be! I suddenly follow what they're on about and find it fascinating. I think this officially makes me grown up even if I do still like making monster leavey feet by scuffing through piles of leaves.


Exciting thing tessera:

Cauliflower! It is exciting! Cauliflower is generally great. And today I received a cookery book that has lots and lots of things to do with cauliflower, and other foods-that-probably-should-be-knighted such as chick peas, mushrooms and courgettes. My mother is resigned to the fact that I'm off meat, she is being as weird as if I've announced I'm leaving my family and going to live in a commune in Tibet. But still, the cookbook was a nice gesture.

There have been two reactions from (most) people to my sudden abandonment of carnivorism. The carnivores take it personally, think it's a phase, and generally shudder at the thought that it might be catching. The vegetarians are victorious and rejoice at my sense prevailing, they have won me over to their cause.

Actually, I'm just off meat. I may go on meat (once I've stopped rejoicing over recipes with cauliflower, mushrooms and chick peas) again, I have no idea. The only thing that's changed is that I finally understand what people are on about, apart from the pescetarians. I will never understand them...

I have sat in a restaurant and watched people eat my pets. Not actually my pets, but you know what I mean. That's not cruel? You eat their EYES.

Why this is exciting: I haven't enjoyed cooking this much in ages. Why am I mentioning fish? Because I am operating at 16x normal speed. These things fall out of my consciousness. No undying love for anyone, I'm doing well.

I should probably sleep now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I may bounce instead.