Fixing the future

Hurrah! Perplexed and confused by the predictions for next year, another magazine - that shall remain nameless for purposes of not being hated - has the solution.

So. To be a better person in 2009, it is necessary to do the following:

1) Light a candle every day, It's life affirming. As is being surrounded by flowers. Buy some. Pick some. Look at them. Take time to contemplate life, write down what you think. It achieves the realisation of the authentic you. Then in order to recover from the shock of this, move on to...

2) Plant some seeds. No, not cress. Seeds of action. Take a small step towards a goal. Because you'd have never thought of that as a way of making things better. But if you think of it as a seed and plant it in fertile soil and nurture it, then you'll get confused and end up with some tomatoes. And how could you not be cheered by some tomatoes? But still, sound advice, take steps towards betterdom.

3) Feed your tomatoes. No. Sorry. Add nutrients to your life. These are the things which give your life purpose. Do more of them! Make time for them! No, really, that will help. Do nice things: feel nice. Light the candle again. Have some bruschetta.

4) Nurture: tell someone you love them. I like this one, it is good advice. Everyone should tell other people the positive things they like about them. You think it, you tell them in your mind or when they're asleep, you don't say it because it's odd. Weirdly, the better you know someone the harder it is to tell them you love them. Tell them now. Properly. So they hear you. Give them some Baby Bio.

5) Growing strong roots: look after your body. Do exercise and stuff. Don't be a sloth. You know all this, right? Yeah. A grow bag may help, but equally well might not. Acknowledge that you're not perfect. Unless you're perfect, in which case feel smug. But for most people, go easy on yourself. Don't expect too much. Watch a bit of TV. Light a candle.

6) Do a spot of weeding. Get rid of all those rose bay willow herbs. Or alternatively, rid yourself of the negative self beliefs that get you down. Advice here is to take something you are scared of, something that you believe you can't do and try to do it. Example given is if you hate speaking in public, find something you care about and talk about that. Uh huh. Not likely. Nuh uh. Oh no. Not on your life. Next?

7) Model yourself on people you admire. Steal their clothes. No, don't do that. But think of how they act and try to act like that. Not sure how this relates to being the authentic you, but hey, it's not my advice, I'm not so keen on plants.

8) Take up landscape gardening. Create a wondrous garden of your weed free plants of confidence. Expand your tomato plantation. Create seed circles of positive people and look back over your horticulture and consider all you have achieved. Make them into soup.

There's some good, if bonkers and rather obvious, advice in there. Go tell someone you love them, go easy on yourself, remember you're a womble and that gardening purges the soul. Or something like that. Go do something you've never done before.