Over the Rainbow, wk 2

Never done one of these before, bear with me.

Reality TV. Meh. Stupid people, being stupid and edited to look stupider. Entertainment void. X Factor is extraordinarily cruel. Auditions are purely an excuse to openly laugh at people who are deluded about their own talent. Oh ha ha ha. And to shatter dreams with a cruel comment? What joy! But, yeah, addictive. You watch, you care, you want to know what happens... So, best avoided.

Unless it's on the BBC. They do a special line in Nice. (as in Very Nice, not Southern France). People encourage talent and editing shows the best of people, not the worst.

The latest BBC Very Nice Reality Big Brother Rip Off Talent Show is 'Over the Rainbow', following the format of 'How do you Solve a Problem like Maria?', 'Any Dream Will Do', and 'I'd Do Anything'. All seeking the star of a West End show, auditioning 1000s of nobodies and ending with 10/11/12 people in the studio, voted off weekly by audience phone ins, with one of the bottom two saved each week by Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Oh, and we don't forget he's a Lord. Oh no.

Anyhoo. Here we are, down to the 10 girls picked by the panel, and one wild card selected by the public vote.

---whoever this is, I can't quite figure who actually votes on these things---

A new panel:

Sheila Hancock, who is quite marvellous and appears to believe that talent entirely depends on understanding lyrics. Who cares who can sing, it's all about the understanding. Pah. Next she'll be suggesting it's all about acting.

Charlotte Church. Who is so very nice and knows how to sing so can comment on singing, nicely:

And John Barrowman. No, sorry, another John (Partridge) that is charmingly gay, an ac-tor (Eastenders this time) and star of the West End. Less easy on the eye than the first John Barrowman but an awful lot easier on the tolerance. Also very nice, thoroughly encouraging comments with huge apologies for hints of negativity.

Graham Norton presents, with his usual simmering double entendres desperate to escape. Quite perfect presenter, incidentally, doesn't take it too seriously, or seriously at all in fact. Marvellous.

The girls...
(in order of performance this week)

Stephanie - looks the part. Stood out as an obvious Dorothy from first (edited of course) audition. Aged 17, which seems to be a requisite, the panel loved her. Slightly perturbed as to why her head held on by scarf at the *hilarious* task of looking after pigs on a farm. Peculiar things, teenagers.

Lauren - meh, nothing special. Bit past it at 22, one of the "older" ones. Not bad.

Dani - is basically Dorothy. Awestruck and 16, which is even better for this show than 17, she also, according to the Good Lord (which Graham Norton DID say), looks like a Dorothy.

Steph - another ancient contender at the ripe old age of 21. Sheila likes her, but Lordie said she didn't look anything LIKE Judy Garland so she was wasting her time. Or something like that.

Amy - the "glamorous" Dorothy. Yup. Glamour. Stated she has a very successful modelling career, oh really? Supposedly 22, looks older, No Chance! And blonde? Does Dorothy have blonde hair? Lordie said she would good for Legally Blonde, in other words not good for Wizard of Oz. She said she would take on board comments, sadly not in time to not wear hot pants for the second show.

Danielle - looks kinda Dorothyish and - whoop - is 17. Not hugely tuneful, but not necessarily awful. Lordie said she would paint the road ruby one day, so the dark hair/being a teenager thing is working. Bizarrely wearing two belts, which is just odd,

Emilie - the one the panel didn't think was good enough but that the public liked. Annoyingly gappy teeth, which Dorothy definitely didn't have. Main drawback however is a seriously ouchy voice. Almost out of the running at 19, has mentioned a few too many times to stomach that she's "back!!!!!" yup. Enjoy it while it lasts, you didn't make the grade. No chance.

Bronte - clearly all wrong on account of being blonde, and performed in her nightie, but has a really nice voice. At 18, she's doing ok. She's my favourite.

Jessica - trying quite hard: is 18, darkened her hair. Good at the acting bit, but doesn't have a fantastic voice. Or so the panel say. Someone on Twitter said they didn't like her, which in my mind means all the public.

Sophie - 17 and wholesome, so quite Dorothyesque. She sang with a strong welsh accent, then went all squeaky. Not great last week either. If you keep the singing-doesn't-matter going, she's great.

Jenny - looks like Barbara Windsor. Not a good look, but she is 18 so can -maybe- be forgiven. Crap song, and not too good at throwing off her imagined RockChick look. Ha. Lordie actually shuddered when she was singing, then the panel said she was great. Which was a lie.

The panel were asked who was "not Dorothy" for them:

Sheila: not Amy
John: not Sophie
Charlotte: not Dani. Charlotte clearly hasn't read the brief.

And to the results:

Bronte, Dani & Stephanie all announced as safe. Jenny, Danielle and Jessica all through. As well as, after a pause... Lauren. Amy in sing off (hurrah), Emilie is through. Steph is also in the sing off, so Sophie is safe.

Public voted least votes for Amy. Shocker.

The sing off begins. Amy turns out to have a lovely voice, she might have shown that before. Steph not so good, and Amy's confidence grows and she reverts to type, then Lordie saves Steph as she is slightly younger and less blonde. I think that's the reason he gave?

Camera cuts to Dani crying, thus ensuring she's staying in a couple of weeks. And a sniff from Sophie, proving that she's lovely too and deserves some
votes.

Amy comments that she's been judged for being a model. Nuh uh. Judged on being completely up her own posterior, and going on ever ao about the being a model, and for failing whatsoever to try to fit the part she was auditioning for.

Song of goodbye is Somewhere Over the Rainbow, predictably, instead of the more fitting Goodbye Yellow Brick Road I hoped for. Amy gets carted off on a giant moon, getting her true princess moment. Byeeee! Do hope you become massively famous some other way. May I suggest bagging a footballer?

Chosen Dorothys by the expert panel of me: Stephanie, Bronte, Jessica and Dani. Everyone else is Just Wrong and Dani should win.