In sickness and in sickness

It's wearying being the healthy member of the family, not to mention unusual. My three boys are a-lurgied and it's ever so tiring.

Approximately 2 weeks ago, I called up the (supposed) swine flu vaccination helpline, as advised by the doctors practice who are "unable to offer the vaccine" to the latest priority group: the under 5s. The number helpfully provided was the number for Public Health. Who weren't that interested, it being nothing to do with them, and transferred me to child health. Who tried to refer me back to my doctors practice, then said a letter would be sent out. Not all that chuffed given that the purpose of the initial enquiry was to establish why my children seemed to be the only under 5s not to have received said letter. Result: no vaccination and no information. All hail the swine flu vaccination information helpline, as imagined by the doctors.

So. This week we have two very poorly little boys. All the symptoms of flu, except when a nasty cough and vomiting was added into the fray, thoughts strayed to "that could be swine flu." Not being prone to hysteria - I may be a hypochondriac but do normally limit it to my own potentially terminal conditions - I didn't panic, but I did recall the information my brain has been bombarded with.

Sneeze into tissue and put into bin.

Good. Been doing that, because we're not grotty minks and didn't used to eat the tissues or throw them at people or indeed do anything other than bin them. But hey, thanks for the advice.

What else? We're all going to die? Pandemic? That's all of us, right? Kids - and their father - may have it so that fits pretty well with "all", in my world anyway. Good stuff, fulfilling prophecies of doom. Although, small issue: they may be poorly, none of them actually seem all that close to passing away just yet. But hey, they may have it. So that's still pandemic-y even if it's not that bad.

Does that mean the common cold is an annual pandemic? Should we panic more about that?

Swine flu information line. Oh wait, it's NHS 24. Who send you to the doctor just in case you have meningitis and guarantee you feel like a fussy and panicked moron. Brainwashing says: tell someone. Just do it.

No, they don't need medical attention, they're not that ill, I'm
just stating that I think they may have swine flu. I'm supposed to tell. I'm telling. No, really, I already know about Calpol and fluids, I don't really want to drag them out just because I called and you don't want sued. They are definitely breathing.

Oh. Ok. If you insist...

What? It may well be swine flu but they're not dangerously ill so I've to give them Calpol and fluids? And you don't do anything unless they're actually
unconscious? Shouldn't we all be panicking a bit more here? It's Swine Flu. But yay! A trip to the out of hours doc is always fun.

Don't get me wrong, it is a very good thing that my babies aren't seriously ill, but to (possibly - they don't test any more) have the disease that we've been inundated with demands to panic over, only to find that it is nothing, is, well, typical. There isn't any point in pondering.

And I guess we don't need the vaccine after all. Like the many, many other kids that had it and didn't notice.