Sense of humour failure

Today I received "9 Things I Hate About Everyone" by email. I'm in a pedantic mood, so I'm going to answer on behalf of Everyone:

• People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

I have only ever witnessed this between people who don't speak the same language. It helps to use visual clues. Last time this happened to me was in France and I helpfully showed him my watch. Which is ok, except I supposedly speak French. Anyway.

• People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T..V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

Except the remote does things that you can't do without it. Which is quite probably the reason you want it. And it might be in the bin/dog/fridge, you need to check.

• When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

It's a saying. If you eat it, you don't have it any more. Not complicated.

• When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

This is a particular bugbear. Obviously you don't keep looking, but I take it to mean that it's in the last place you'd think of, ie you look everywhere else first, thus making the place it is, the last place. Maybe it only works if you physically make a list, then you could say "it was in the penultimate place I looked". I might start saying that just to make a point.

• When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

That's a way of saying "I want to comment on that" not a literal question.

• People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

Well, that's an innocuous question that can be answered yes or no. The question still to be posed is likely to be awkward.

• When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

You can't get a new version?

• When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

It's a saying again. Means you have to bear in mind it's finite.

• When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

All very well, but occasionally bus stops have more than one bus that stops there. The person may have just missed the bus themselves. Valid question.

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So... Having got that out of the way, I feel compelled to compile.

8 things I hate about everyone, because I can only think of 8, and 9 is an arbitrary number anyway:

• People who talk/eat/laugh at the wrong bits/clap at any bit when watching a film/act/gig.
• People who have the beeps turned on and who text incessantly on the train. The beeps do nothing, there's a massive hint that you've pressed a button when a character appears on screen.
• People who complain about a programme they haven't watched because they thought it sounded offensive.
• When people go on about the "last place you look" thing
• People who think that using English properly is anal and uptight. There/their/they're: not difficult. Its/it's: not difficult. Have/of: nothing like each other.
• People that sit next to you on the train when there's plenty of empty seats.
• The way virtually everyone pronounces "controversy". It's con-trov-ersy. Not contro-versy. Someone that writes about words and I normally worship (which applies to just about everyone that cares about words and says so) has the same bugbear the other way round. I can't remember who it is, I think it might be John Humphreys.
• People who criticise you for doing something differently to the way they imagine they'd do it, despite having never attempting it in their life.